Bert and Ernie

Remember that song, "Who are the People in My Neighborhood?" From Sesame Street, one of the great shows of our time. It was all about the people that you see each day. I'd like to take you through my day a little bit in the same vein, but instead of the people in my neighborhood, it will be the people I encounter in general that stand out to me either by being fucknuggets or standing out in some less reprehensible way.

Guy in my Plant class with the offensive beard: Guy, you are nice, it seems, with your uncertain area of interest in biology. You take careful notes and do not pick your nose in class. These things are in your favor. Sadly, though, that beard is not working for you. It is more of an example of what hair does when left to its own devices than a deliberate statement of self. The color does not lend itself to camouflaging your bad beard-scaping, no, instead it accentuates the individual hairs that have become long and unruly. It is distracting talking to you because my eyes cannot resist looking at the hair disarray that adorns your chin and mouth and the three dimensional space around them. Even walruses have some order in their whiskers. Yours is like chaos theory, in facial hair. Time to look in the mirror, guy, and look within. But first trim those fucking renegade hairs so you can see the within part.

Physics professor: Never have I heard a monotone that was so truly of one tone and unvarying. It is almost as if you have attached a negative feedback monitor to your voice box so that if you vary your inflection even a slight amount, you will be shocked by the charge of a trillion Coulombs. Traditionally physicists are not known for their outrageous personalities so that monotone may be working for you socially and professionally. I only mention it here, not to criticize, but because it is of note in my day. Thank you, flat voiced professor, for your interesting quirk. It's good that you are not a Mandarin speaker or they would never understand you, atonal as you are.

Girl who runs down the overpass for pedestrians hill: At first I thought you were in a hurry, but then you stopped to catch your breath after your flailing exuberant run down the hill. When you started up again with a similarly fast and awkward run across the parking lot, your backpack swinging back and forth upon your back, I realized that you had some type of what we call special needs. To me it seemed like your special need at that moment was to run, at first down the hill because you could go fast, and then across the lot because you like running, a lot. You looked free and happy, and I envied that part of you that forgot to care how you looked to the world at the moment when the need to run grabbed you. You made me smile. May your feet always have wings.

College students at my college, except for maybe 0.05% of you: Students, you are predictable and annoying. I do not like you, not just because of that, but because of the reminder each day of how obnoxious I must have been about 13 years ago. You text a lot, all of you. And your cologne, it is bad. You will never mate if you continue to apply so much. 

So that was a brief overview of some of the people of note in my days. Since I am uncommonly bitchy and observant, there will be more, often. If there's something that can drive me nuts, it's people. Of course, that's until I get to know anything, really anything at all about them that trips my sympathetic side. My inner cynic is weak and easily defeated, I guess.