Ain't ain't in the Dictionary

So I was watching TV the other night, Anthony Bourdain and his traveling sarcasm. It was just kind of background, you know, where you tune in and out as you carry on. Well, Tony (that's what I call him now) was on some island full of hot sulfurous bubbling springs where people would put food into pots and cook it in the hot springs. He tried something and did not like it, and his way of expressing that was, "tastes like it was scraped off of someone's taint." 

It was like the world stopped and angels sang at this most perfect use of both hyperbole and crassness, blended together harmoniously into possibly the best phrase I have ever had the privilege of hearing. Shock value, clear descriptive language, imagery--he had it all at that moment. And the extra bonus of using one of my top 8 favorite words, taint.

For those of you who do not know what the taint is, I will define it for you as I did earlier today for my innocent parents when I recapped the show for them. T'aint your balls, t'aint your ass. It's the stretch right in between. See? Pretty much the funniest body part ever, except maybe the armpit which is 100% funnier than most other body parts. Well, scrotums are kind of funny too. Scrota, maybe, in plural? Not sure.

But again, scraped off someone's taint is the new phrase that I'm watching for opportunities to use. I'm thinking if I'm ever eating something that sucks in a room full of 22-year-old man-boys, that would be a good time to say it. Describing dinner in the cafeteria to my sons, no, not then. That's when I fall back on my other excellent standby catchphrase for the more delicate members of society. My 5-year-old, bless him, can use it well already. We walk in somewhere, he catches a whiff of something not so enticing, and his little voice proclaims, "Smells like butt casserole!"

That's my boy.