Once again long hiatus. When I look back at 2009 I kicked ass with many posts, less in 2010, and so far miserable failure in 2011. Since I barely have time to eat most days I guess it's just par for the course right now.
To make my life easier in the fall, I am taking one of my classes in the summer. Fall semester is supposed to be the worst of all, with 17 credits including some really hard classes. So I'm doing OB/GYN this summer to knock off four of those. Good plan, except that the summer class is 7 hrs, 10 days. Those are some long ass days to be knee deep in vaginas.
Next winter term (short term over winter break) I have the opportunity to go to Costa Rica for a sustainable gardening and nutrition venture with the college of nursing. My favorite professor, the research lesbian master composter, is heading the trip. I am hoping I can make it work. Tricky, though; I think it's about a 3 week trip.
Aside from classes my life remains full of little dudes and their sports, and my own training. I had the fantastic experience of lifting weights the other day next to a dude who was seriously the most self-contradictory individual ever. He was kind of...non-fit, I guess, but geared up like the world champion of weight lifting. In addition to that he was lifting really wussy amounts, not judging because I am probably lifting less, but he drew attention to it by his extreme, and I do mean extreme, grunty counting. Like imagine a grunt combined with a loud forced expiration plus pooping out a picnic table. It sounded like that. And when you make important physical exertion sounds you should back it up with bad ass weight lifting. Which this guy did not. He had bad ass armpit stains, though, so that took it to some level of awesome, at least.
And we still have Spongebob Loosepants there every Friday, bench pressing with his wide-legged running shorts gaping open as he spreads his legs for maximum testicular freedom. There is no way this guy doesn't know that he is totally Out There. One thing I like to do is find him, which is not hard because he's distinctive and also people give him a wide berth because of his genitals hanging out so there's a zone of clearance around him, then give a "psst...nine o'clock....lookie there" to my trainer. Every single time it's funny. He looks and then gets an eyeful of the Scrotum hanging out on the bench and kind of gags. It's awesome, never gets old.
Continuing on with the gym theme, I was in the locker room before my last training session, standing there, getting dressed. An older lady, because Friday mornings are aqua aerobics so it's all old ladies in the locker room at that time, was right next to me. Like one foot away. And suddenly she farted. Then farted some more, like with trailing notes and everything. It was not a subtle fart, nor was it delicate. And it was seriously like 6 inches from my leg, which means that my leg got some fart on it. Here's the crazy part: she did not acknowledge the fart in any way. No apology, no look of shame, no surprised expression like it escaped without her consent, no penicillin offered. I felt like I was in another universe, a universe where it is acceptable to tear ass right near other people's legs and act nonchalant rather than humiliated and full of biohazard precaution offers. So I guess in that other universe I should have reacted with something other than stunned silence and avoidance; maybe a "Jesus Intestinal Christ, did you know you just farted all over my leg?" combined with a towel snap to the kidneys. That would have shown her, all right, the dirty fart letter.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Rat Poison
It turns out that one of our original rats, the Christmas rats, is a serial killer. Deadpool has now murdered 3 of his friends and I am wondering if Twoface wasn't his first victim. After Twoface I got Twoface2, who died within a week. Then we got two more rats because Deadpool would be lonely otherwise, and I woke up this morning to find the cage wrapped in yellow tape and Justin and Nicodemus outlined in chalk. Deadpool looked guilty as hell.
The first time a replacement rat died I figured maybe whatever killed Twoface had remained in the cage and killed it too. I was right, as it turns out, but I was thinking more microbial than serial. We have to face facts now though--Deadpool clearly had some fucked up earlier times in life and now is taking out his rat rage on his cagemates.
X X X X X X X
Oh Holy Shit. I wrote this post a little bit ago but left it until now to finish. Upon closer inspection of the departed rats, it became clear to me that Deadpool is one sinister motherfucker of a rat. Nicodemus' intestines were strewn about the cage and Justin's head was nowhere to be found. Ohmygodohmygodohmygodomg I can't deal with this. Must take deep breaths. I am not disturbed so much by the carnage as by the extreme change in form of the rats. I freak out completely with dead animals that are my pets, because they used to be alive and now they changed into dead, which is the ultimate form change. I lost my shit once when my fish went belly up. And now this is so much worse, because Justin doesn't have a head where he used to have a head. And Nicodemus' intestines are out rather than in. And when I pick them up, even though it will be with tongs not my hands, they will not feel like regular rats but like dead rigor mortis ones. I am hyperventilating now. Must go deal with severe situation before sons witness scene and become serial killers.
X X X X X X X
I have dealt with and disposed of the dead and their strewn about parts. No further information on Justin's head. It appears to have disappeared altogether, possibly either stuffed into Nicodemus' eviscerated body or ingested by the evil Deadpool. I am feeling very hostile to that rat bastard and he will be held without trial until his death. I will continue to feed him, but only non-rat items, and care for him as the state cares for prisoners. No luxuries. I will no longer be making him special Rat Casserole (tiny single serving hummus with many veggies stuck in upright). He is dead to me. Cannibal ass rat.
The first time a replacement rat died I figured maybe whatever killed Twoface had remained in the cage and killed it too. I was right, as it turns out, but I was thinking more microbial than serial. We have to face facts now though--Deadpool clearly had some fucked up earlier times in life and now is taking out his rat rage on his cagemates.
X X X X X X X
Oh Holy Shit. I wrote this post a little bit ago but left it until now to finish. Upon closer inspection of the departed rats, it became clear to me that Deadpool is one sinister motherfucker of a rat. Nicodemus' intestines were strewn about the cage and Justin's head was nowhere to be found. Ohmygodohmygodohmygodomg I can't deal with this. Must take deep breaths. I am not disturbed so much by the carnage as by the extreme change in form of the rats. I freak out completely with dead animals that are my pets, because they used to be alive and now they changed into dead, which is the ultimate form change. I lost my shit once when my fish went belly up. And now this is so much worse, because Justin doesn't have a head where he used to have a head. And Nicodemus' intestines are out rather than in. And when I pick them up, even though it will be with tongs not my hands, they will not feel like regular rats but like dead rigor mortis ones. I am hyperventilating now. Must go deal with severe situation before sons witness scene and become serial killers.
X X X X X X X
I have dealt with and disposed of the dead and their strewn about parts. No further information on Justin's head. It appears to have disappeared altogether, possibly either stuffed into Nicodemus' eviscerated body or ingested by the evil Deadpool. I am feeling very hostile to that rat bastard and he will be held without trial until his death. I will continue to feed him, but only non-rat items, and care for him as the state cares for prisoners. No luxuries. I will no longer be making him special Rat Casserole (tiny single serving hummus with many veggies stuck in upright). He is dead to me. Cannibal ass rat.
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