I Can Has Religion

I had a conversation last night that, well, ruled. Allow me to set it up for you, then I will let it rip. I was chatting with a close personal friend of mine, and he kept saying things that were what is known as "kidding". Now, some of you may know this and some may not: I do not understand when people are teasing me. Sometimes I can pick up on it if I try really hard, but then I can't tell if the teasing is mocking or good-natured. I realize that this is an elementary social concept and that most people don't have to think about it but I am clearly deficient in this area. And for some reason it does not improve over time and with life experience. I still have to walk through the Possible Teasing Algorithm each time a person says something that doesn't quite follow. For instance, you know how people say, "Did you know 'gullible' is not in the dictionary?" Every. Time. I stop and think, "Really? Well, it's a word so it must be in the dictionary. It means fooling someone. Ohhhhhhh. Got it." Of course this happens quickly and over the years I've learned to keep a pretty good poker face until I figure stuff out.

Anyway, last night this person kept giving me shit, and I was responding literally every time or asking what he meant or if he was serious. Of course this is probably frustrating for a person on the other side, too, in a different way than it is for me. Because for me it feels like being kicked over and over again with a foot of frustration and pain, mildly, unless it's someone I don't know then it's not really their fault because how would they know? Most people aren't like this. I'm rare. So after about my tenth asking for clarification on the teasing (and at this point you might be saying, wow that's one persistent teaser and you'd be right), it went down like this (brace yourselves, language ahead. You've been warned.):

Him: Jesus Christ with a flaming dildo! I'm kidding, kidding I tell you!

Me: Well I don't always understand that so I'm asking.
       Anyway, Jesus wasn't alive during the time of plastics and latex materials.
       So they wouldn't flame, they would melt.
       But I guess that means all dildoes of biblical times would have been wooden.
       Which means that dildoes could flame.
       So carry on with your blasphemous sex toy inferno.

Ok, did you see that? I said blasphemous sex toy inferno. That is probably one of the most awesome things I have ever said and if someone wants to name their band that it's ok with me. I'm a giver like that. Because if there were a band called Blasphemous Sex Toy Inferno instead of swaying with lighters during major rock ballads people could light up small wooden dildoes and wave them emotionally. Or they could even make flaming dildoes with an energy source, like a hydrocarbon-filled dildo, and then it could be anything not just wooden. The sky is the limit. I'd like to see someone take the initiative here to take this from concept to reality.