My older sister called me yesterday, and at first I wasn't sure if she was in hysterical tears or hysterical laughter. Soon it became evident that she was completely and totally rendered helpless with the giggles, and it took a while for her to be able to spit out why. And now that I know, it falls to me to inform the world what went down at a garage sale in a small town in Wisconsin. Keep in mind that the whole entire village throws a garage sale on this particular weekend, so publicity is high.
My sister was browsing at a garage sale run by an elderly couple. She had walked past their ornament-adorned landscaping on the way back to the garage, expecting old dishes, records, mason jars, and doilies; typical garage sale fare from the WWII era participants. Instead she found herself looking at a box labelled, "Brown Betty". Upon further investigation, mainly in the form of continuing to look at the box, she noticed an upside down triangle with these words on it: "For the Hair Down There!" So after the shock wore off she pretty much lost her shit after realizing that these elderly folk were selling really old pube dye. And then she noticed something that caused her to have to exit the premises, post haste. There were two boxes (hehe) and one was brown, the other was Hot. Pink. That's right, old expired hot pink pubic hair coloring. Purchased to spice up the bushes by the elderly couple sitting six feet away in lawn chairs. Being sold for $10.00 a box (hehe). There's no way you can look at the sellers of Brown Betty and not realize that:
1) They clearly think that Brown Betty is really worth something, that in fact it was so effective at either ramping up the elderly sex lives or at beautifying old genitalia that even an expired-ass box is worth ten dollars.
2) They bought this not as youth, but as elderly people because youth typically do not have gray or white pubes and need Brown Betty to turn them back to brown (or hot pink, because there's no way that regular pubes would take on that color, they would have to be old white pubes).
3) When combining #1 and #2 you arrive at the conclusion that these are two randy old people, and they are probably just waiting for you to leave their garage sale so they can go fuck like bunnies, and probably you should think twice about that candle collection because who knows what shit they got up to with those?
Anyway, it was a miracle that my sister was able to speak at all to tell me this story because seriously, she was not really coherent. It was like silence combined with squeaks combined with tear wiping combined with actual collapsing, I could hear it over the phone. And I think she was being really restrained because if I would have been there I do not know what kind of crazy ass reaction I would have had. I know it would involve me having to leave the village for at least twenty minutes so I could collect myself and try to stop laughing, then coming back to buy that Brown Betty, ten dollars be damned. Because that is some funny shit from those vintage pube dying sellers of hilarity, that's what.
1 comment:
Okay, this was perfect for today, because I can imagine Carrie, and you, both losing your shit. OMG. I would have bought it ASAP, just for the sheer delight of it. Do you really think they knew what it was? That was my first thought--they bought it in some big lot at an auction, so they're just slapping it out there since they didn't 1) want it; 2) need it; 3) feel anything about it.
Now, if they'd had a table full of sex toys, I'd feel more confident they knew what it was. But who knows? Maybe you're right, and they just decided to go au naturel and not worry about the Hot Pink. OMFG--just the image of an old man w/ hot pink acoutrements is just . . . it's good. : ) Very good. I needed a laugh, so thank you!
Post a Comment