Lost and Found

Found: one tiny baby male rat, answers to the name of Nicodemus, is tan. Found in the darkest hours, approximately 1:00 a.m. That little turd maker was hiding in an IKEA toy thing, you know, many bins in which you can place random shit and still have it look organized. Anyway, late late last night or early this morning, whichever you prefer, the little rat was accosted and remanded into custody. He is now awaiting food.

Lost: The Oxford Comma. Actually it's not really lost but more just not as used as it should be, which is 100% of all series. I realize that there is some controversy surrounding the serial comma, but as long as there is life in my body I will be using it.  According to Wiki there are pros and cons to each convention (with {correct} and without {fucking idiotic}), but their cons are not valid. Why? Because. Here is a new list, one you can live by:

Pros:

1.) It is how things are. Lists are with commas after every item. Otherwise one doesn't get the right pause and also you're left wondering if they just left it out like French people, or if they just don't care that One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other. Why would you go to all the trouble of commas after every item and then just leave one hanging? Even though it gets the "and" that doesn't mean that it is exempt from a pause. With the O.C. the sentence would sound like this:

The favored gifts of the newborn baby Jesus were frankincense, myrrh, and diaper cream.

Now without:

Heoihf aaioer; oiwe rghoirt uoyiutwkn xxohoi, hfoisaajsdgiandyierutosijdkfl.

It's almost unintelligible without the comma because you just don't pause. And pausing, especially pregnantly........can be very, very effective. And think about it--you're talking about the baby Jesus here. Do you want people to be thinking about what they should bring him in Bethlehem to soothe his chapped bum or do you want them all obsessed with whether or not you forgot the comma?

2.) Moral superiority. I'm not sure why this is an advantage of the Oxford comma. Maybe just the pretentious name of the fairly proletariat punctuation mark. At any rate, insisting upon it definitely confers moral high ground.

Now for the cons:

1.) Tapping an extra key. It can be very hard on your right ring finger.

2.) Having people read your sentences with no ambiguity. You can't hide behind a misunderstanding. Your list will be clear, your intentions laid out like an armadillo in the Texas sun. Prepare for that level of sheer nakedness in list-making.

Weighing the pros and cons on the scale of righteousness and universal balance, it is clear that the Oxford comma wins. Only a finger amputation or extreme disenchantment with clarity are excuses to forgo it, and they are lame and unacceptable reasons for non-compliance. I am sure my sister, who is a professional enforcer of rules and standards, has my back here.

Long live the O.C.!