Wheaties Box

So I'm considering competing again. This time, jiu jitsu, not pankration or frou frou forms, weapons, and sparring competitions. I say those are frou frou because they're not real fighting. They're more like fighting fanciness, or pretty versions of what might happen if you fight with a person who has already told you exactly what they're planning to do. They have their place.

Anyway. There are some jits competitions coming up, one local, one bigger. And even though I felt like I'd never ever compete again after worlds, I'm starting to think that maybe I might consider the possibility of thinking about participating in grappling competitions. Main obstacles: I'm chicken, and I hate that nervous competition feeling. Like I hate it so much I would rather miss out on things than have it. At the Arnolds a couple of weekends ago I just felt relieved that I wasn't grappling. Not at all like regretful and wishing I was in there. I think this is a personality defect, or maybe just a sign of extreme willingness to avoid unpleasant feelings. I don't get it. Because I'm competitive as hell, and not at all nervous when it comes to most sports. Put me on a volleyball court totally naked--fine, no problem. Triathlon, meh. Not so much nervous as wishing it were over. Bike/road race, meh. I'm so incredibly mediocre that nervousness would just be silly and self-aggrandizing. Spelling bee, oh wait not a sport, but still. Ok, wrong example, I almost died at spelling bees from nervousness. Those sucked.

People keep telling me to just do it, I'll do great, probably kick some ass. The thing is, I don't care too much about whether I win or not, I mean except that I would totally want to win. But I recognize that my first tournament is more like a hazing or just something to get through, and getting my ass kicked is the likely outcome. I can live with that. It's not that I'll get my ass kicked. I just don't want to do it for some reason. And if it's not that I'm scared that I'll get my ass kicked, what is it? I think I need to look within. Or just suck it up and do it, and figure it out some other time.