The Loss Of The Cookie

Ever since the great weight cut of '09 I've been more likely to eat healthy foods. Not that I was ever really eating crap to begin with, just that I'd eat generally pretty well with an occasional Nutty Bar thrown in. Or a special Cheetos night. You know, just normal eating with junk food every now and then. Then as I grappled more and more, I noticed how much my performance depended upon eating healthily. So I upgraded the generally-eating-well to Really Paying Attention. Refined carbs, excessive dairy, lack of fruits/veggies, basically everything with no nutritional purpose--mostly out of my life. And I noticed how much better I felt, and then took it to the next level with the Smoothie. The Smoothie blasted me into nutritional orbit around the planet Awesome.

So the other day I felt like I hadn't seen an old friend for some time--the Double Stuf Oreo. Those magnificent morsels really got me through some rough times during the divorce. As some of you may remember I was a little curvier right around that time, due to the comfort of the cookie. I actually had cleavage. For those of you who don't actually know me in real life, I'm just over 5'11" and about 140 lbs. So maybe not the most saftig, figure-wise, which is why the presence of cleavage indicates divorce-induced plumpness. At any rate, it didn't last--my body rejected it all once I reached a critical tipping point and all the divorce chub kind of just went away over the course of a summer.

Anyway, a few days ago I felt like it was Oreo Time. I just had that hankering for small round slabs of sugared lard sandwiched between two crunchy slices of cookie heaven. So I got some and sat down to enjoy them. After about two bites I almost puked. Holy Mother of Pan, they are so sweet I think I shat honey and it's possible that my tongue curled in upon itself in a sugary spasm. I really could not enjoy the Oreo, a condition which I found alarming and unexpected. I mean, if I cannot handle the sweetness of the Oreo, what does that mean for my Nutty Bar consumption? Or other waxy Little Debbie products? That cake-making vapid faced smile may never grace my pantry again.

It looks like I'm going to have to investigate the possibilities of nature based grain enhanced fiber filled sweets to round out my diet. Maybe a carob brownie made with flax seeds and sweetened with the voices of children, or an organic hemp cookie frosted with world peace. Since my days of actual junk food enjoyment may be over I'm just going to have to find other things to do when it's Oreo Time. And I guess I'll have to rename Oreo Time altogether. From now on I will have Fiber Time, or maybe Healthful Meditation with my Chi Time, or possibly even Butcher a Free Range Chicken Time.