Run Faster

Thinking about horses led me to think about phobias in general. I wouldn't say I had a horse phobia, just an intense dislike and irrational fear. But I do have some real phobias, and, like all the rest of me, they are kind of unique. I'm leaving one out, though, because who isn't totally freaked out by hairy, long legged, dust-mop-looking centipede things? That's no phobia; it's a completely rational response to a fucking gross creature that could kill me with how gross it is.

Phobia #1: Heights, With a Twist: I'm not exactly scared of heights, but being somewhere high, and by high I mean probably above one or two stories, makes me feel weak in the knees and ready to swoon in a Victorian-era faint. But it's not exactly that I'm up high. My real fear is that I could be seized by an uncontrollable impulse to throw myself off of whatever ledge might present itself at that height. Which makes no sense at all, because I'm about the least suicidal a person can be, and anyway I could think of like ten other more interesting and potentially less painful ways to kill myself if I were so inclined. But what if I just suddenly felt like I had to throw myself over the edge, and then I did it, and on the way down was all, "Shit. That was stupid."? That could totally happen. A corollary to this phobia is accidentally throwing my child off the edge of a height. When my kids were babies and I ended up on a balcony or something holding them I squeezed them so tight they turned purple, just in case I got a wild hair to throw them over the edge. This phobia does not sound very sane. I'm not proud of it.

Phobia #2: Things That Change Form: Okay, you have to just go with me on this one, because it's pretty fucking strange and hard to explain. I do not like when things change from their original form. It makes me feel dizzy and grossed out. Like you buy an innocent bag of brown potatoes, put them away in the pantry, and then 4 weeks later you go in to get one and they are no longer potatoes but psycho aliens with green sprouts from their evil eyes! That is so upsetting. And dryer lint--it used to be clothes, now it's a layer of were-clothes on the dryer filter. Uuuurrggh (spinal seizures are happening Right.Now.)!!! And I have this tea which I really like but I have to avert my eyes while it's brewing, because it starts as tightly packed tea-balls but when you add hot water it unfurls. It becomes large spider-shaped tea horrors. I have no problem with spiders but this metamorphosizing tea is just fucked up. I think I have to be done describing this phobia now, because I have to go sit in the corner and rock it out for a while, maybe while humming tunelessly.