Semester, Sylvester

Back to school. You know, I always have kind of back-to-school excitement, which lasts about five minutes into syllabus-reading time in the first class. It makes me go batshit, as I may have mentioned once or twice. This year I got wise and skipped one or two first classes. But still suffered through a few more. At any rate, it's looking to be a very useful semester even though initially I thought it was just going to be a wankathon. I divided last semester (which was to be a horror of 18 credits, including two lab classes) into two, mainly to avoid becoming a serial killer which I most certainly would have. This means that I delayed my entrance into clinicals by a semester, but it also means a light load this fall term. So I have health care policy, a research class, clinical nutrition, and a medical/science technical writing seminar. Initially I had assumed total boredom would be the overarching theme of the fall, and it is at times, but honestly these are some of the most useful classes I have taken to date. Which is nice.

But! Being back on campus always leads me to the hate, the hate that is inevitable when I am around large groups of people. And in this case people means college students, which increases the hate by a factor of  (∏ +⅔√∝). Without further ado, some letters to express myself:

Dear Guy in Writing Seminar,

I am overlooking your vampire teeth because even though I think you made them look like that through interpretive dentistry, it is possible that you were just born like that and can't help looking so Twilight. Aside from that, though, you are a whiny little turd. It is not necessary to spend the majority of "group work time" *note to self, rant about group work time* talking about how you never would have taken this class if you had known that it would focus so much on technicalities of grammar and dangling participles and stuff like that. And how in the description in the syllabus it didn't say that it would be so technical. And grammary. And focusing on writing policy, procedure, health care manuals, and other stuff like that.

I mean, a class that is offered jointly by both the English department and the Clinical Sciences department and called "Technical Writing for the Health and Science Professional" wouldn't imply any of those things, would it? Yes, actually, it would, vampire douche cake. So maybe instead of special seminars for smart people you should take Reading Course Offerings classes. Or Whining About How You Got a C on the First Assignment classes. Because the prof is grading really, really hard. I mean, she took off for editing mistakes! And grammar!

It was not polite of me to point out that the professor does indeed give A's for technically correct writing, as evidenced by my own paper. But, whiny vampire, I could no longer hold my tongue.

Sincerely,
Your admittedly antagonistic (to you, because I dislike you) classmate who is probably included in your whining now


Dear people who walk slowly on campus,

Listen, fuckers. I understand and support meandering, strolling, and any other forms of what I would consider inefficient walking. However my support rapidly turns to ire when your slow ass walking prevents my brisk forward motion. Heed the laws of society, please, and allow people room to pass if you are going to walk like an only slightly ambulatory elderly amputee. And if your walking is slowed because three or more of you must take up an entire hallway or sidewalk, do not get huffy when other more efficient and less social people say excuse me I'd like to pass you. It is not a personal affront. It would be, though, if I were actually saying what was on my mind but in this case I bow to social convention. I will admit, though, that I dislike having to waste motion on going around you rather than continuing in what could have been a more direct path to my destination.

Sincerely,
Your campus mate who seethes inside at times

Dear Research Professor,

I find it both radical and awesome that you are a master composter with an actual certification for that. I do not know what it takes to achieve master composter status but clearly you are committed to the breakdown of organic material and its use in gardening, and I respect that. I also find it very cool that you have signed on with Habitat for Humanity for yard organization with the inhabitants, and teach them about organic vegetable gardening and, of course, composting. I think the world would be a better place if we all pooped on leaves and vegetable scraps and appreciated the internal heat generated by a compost pile that's really working.

Sincerely,
Your student, a lifelong respecter of the compost pile