Out Of The Mouths Of Babes

Over the years I've become a part of a large circle of friends and family. Dinner at someone's house usually means thirty to forty people, and yes, I've cooked for that number many, many times. Anyway, there's always a gaggle of kids around, playing and screaming, and my kids really enjoy these gatherings. Most of the kids are great but of course there are always one or two little assholes.

One family we know has three kids, a 12 year old boy, an 8 year old boy, and quite possibly the cutest little 4 year old girl in the world. This girl is one of those teeny tiny petite things (the opposite of my amazon children) with long light brown ringlets and big brown eyes. She's always dressed adorably, and has the eyelash thing down to a science.

Recently we were at someone's house with the masses, and my younger son came running up out of the basement to get me. "Nora's screaming at everybody and she won't stop! It's really bad!" he said. I got up and went down in no rush, feeling like there was only so much damage a teeny angel like that could do with her little voice. I reached the area where the kids were playing, and found her in the middle of a group of maybe 8 other kids, bright red with the intensity of feeling only a four year old can generate, screaming at the top of her very effective lungs,

"YOU MOTHERFUCKERS ARE NEVER EVER COMING TO MY HOUSE AGAIN!"

I diffused the situation with the finesse of a crack bomb squad, backed away, and went upstairs to the rest of the adults. The shock of it took a while to wear off. Later that night on the way home the kids told me that this little girl has the dirtiest mouth this side of the tracks, and her middle brother, too. I gave my standard speech about certain words not being appropriate for kids to use because they can upset people and it takes the experience of an adult to know when to drop the f-bomb, and they seemed fine with it.

And then the next day, my littler one woke up, sweaty and disheveled, got up, and announced that his goddamn ballsack was stuck to his leg again. Nice.