The Tool Shed

So we're on the backpack theme still. Because I did not yet share the elder son's backpack story. Time to remedy that, because it's important not to suffer alone.

So elder's backpack was more benign, less rotted than the younger one's. More full of papers, permission slips, flash drives, and pencil hoarding. That was all fine, I tossed what needed tossing and organized the rest into an intuitive yet precise backpack modality. It took me a little deep breathing to do the final pass of hand through the deepest, darkest parts of the main compartment, though, because that was where I had met my waterloo in the other backpack (Satan's peaches, sent from the depths of hell to unbalance my sense of security in fruit aging). Alas, I was not spared in this second backpack, but my fingers encountered something entirely different. A firm, cool cylinder, approximately 6 inches in length, 1.5 inches diameter. It was heavy.

I pulled it out studied the item. Upon it were scratchy letterish markings. "Cuneiform", I thought, "A talisman." I could maybe summon a demon or charm my house so it is impervious to hand prints! I kind of just gave it one last, what the fuck is that? look and placed it on the counter.

A little while later my son called. We talked for a minute, then I remembered the clay cylinder. I asked him what the fuck it was. More nicely than that, though. I think I said what the hell. He told me it the words were "No man must be in an association," or something like that. He said it was Mesopotamian, and was, indeed in cuneiform, but just English that looks like cuneiform. I spent a moment patting myself on the back for my accurate identification of fake cuneiform, because a lot of people would just go right to heiroglyphics even though they look totally different (cuneiform: no birds). But then a sense of horror descended over me as I realized what I had on my kitchen counter: It was Hammurabi's dildo. My kid had made, in art class, a clay phallus with important parts of the oldest code of law written on it. A righteous sex toy, that's what I was looking at. Tell me the art teacher didn't laugh inside all.day.long. as she was baking those fuckers in the kiln.


This, too, needs some haiku. Not yet rated:

Hammurabi's dong
Sitting there looking at me
Ancient fake penis


Long ago code guy
Thinks he is so full of law
Takes it in the butt