Declaration of Fins and Pendants

Someone I know is going camping with her kids, and though they will be in separate tents because the kids are big and there are enough of them to warrant that, she is worried about sex in a tent being less subtle than sex in more constructed, building-type venues. Legitimate concern, if you ask me. I can see where maybe the mood could be lessened by the thought of teens mere feet away, separated only by tent fabric. I also think the mood could be lessened by mosquitoes biting your cooch but there might be sprays for that.

I felt like, since I was just camping, though in one tent and with no concerns about such matters, I could think of some possible solutions to the problem. An important part of the issue is that she very firmly wants to have the sex (heh). That is not optional, it would appear. And I support that! Sex is much better for the world than financial doldrums and Sarah Palin. So I thought long and hard (heh) and here is what I came up with:

1) Leave out food, very obvious, bear friendly food like jugs of KoolAid and large spawning salmon. The bears will forage around and camouflage adult noises, and also the kids will be frozen in terror and concentrating on the last moments of their lives. They will not hear a thing.

10) In order to disguise silhouettes formed by acts of passion, turn off all lights in the Tent of Ill Repute. It is not wise to have tangled bodies thrown into relief by the Coleman lantern.

11) Warn teens ahead of time. Tell them that, because Mommy and Daddy love each other so much, they are going to have a special hug in their tent at night. They will be in the ER instead of in the nearby tents, getting rehydrated via IV fluids from puking violently.

100) Climb up in the trees, and enjoy some wilderness love in Nature's Penthouse. The branches could be scratchy in a good way, and also possibly serve as handholds for greater creativity. Variety is the spice of life! And nobody really looks up to find the source of weird animal sounds in the treetops.

101) Skinny dip and do it in the water. There is no need to be concerned about snapping turtles and muskies! They are just myths and have no interest in clamping down with their strong jaws and sharp teeth on dangling body parts.

Anyway, I thought since I was being so helpful to my friend I'd share my advice with other people, too, because what is good advice if it never reaches the right ears? So now we can all camp with total confidence that our teens will not be a drag when we want to randy up the campsite a little! Total win for everyone.