More People For Me To Hatify

Girl in my micro lab: I kind of loathe you, in an I'd-help-you-anyway-if-you-were-bleeding-from-an-artery way. I can't believe the stupid shit you ask. You are an irresponsible baby who shouldn't have qualified for college but for daycare instead. When you ask the lab instructor to tell you the procedure for gram staining (which you should know by now, you peptidoglycan-oblivious buttmunch), he will tell you to look in your lab manual, not feed it to you like they would in daycare. And then when you whine to your lab friends that you didn't even bring it, God!, you actually look like such an asshole. In the same class period, you also asked what exactly we should know for the quiz, what the due date for our lab report really is because you can't understand the way he calls labs A (first lab of the week) and B (second lab of the week). You will flunk, not just microbiology, but life.

Fucker who looked at my kid wrong: You just better watch out. I saw you look at my kid like you did not like him or any other kids, unless you have some of your own, which then you still probably don't like because they are like you, which means they are probably shit heads. I have your number, not really but it's a saying, and your number is 12. 12 black belt moves, applied to you, next time you look at my kid wrong.

Guy with the offensive beard: It does not stop growing just because it is ugly, so it is actually worse than last time I wrote about it. Please do something soon, because that womb broom is out of control.

Dear friend with the brand new baby: You will be such a good family, you three. I am so happy for you each time I imagine that little guy, grunting and snurfling and doing cute newborn baby moves. It just makes me smile, knowing where you are right now. Also, his hair is totally wild. I hope you will sing him some of your rockin' math homework songs.