But tonight, oh, tonight, a post happened to me. And I apologize, sweet baby angel son of mine, for sharing this with the world. It cannot be lost, though, so here goes:
As I sat down for a much needed end of the day pee, my littler boy called out to ask me why his penis sticks up when he touches it. Obviously he was wanking away in his bed. Nothing new, he usually is. I called out that it fills up with blood! If you leave it alone it will get soft again! Fat chance, right? He was satisfied with that explanation, and carried on I'm sure. Handy thing, that penis.
Older son waited until I finished washing my hands and then called out, "Mom? Why does it do that, though?" I sighed, knowing what I was about to do to him, which was gross him out for life to a degree that is just grosser than any other degree of grossness. I stood next to his bunk bed which put me right at eye level, because parenting books say you should do that, and said, "Well, because when you are touching your penis, it gets full of blood so it is ready for mating." (He seems to do ok with sex talk, well kind of, if it's referred to as mating. And he knows the basics, male female sperm egg penis vagina. We are easing into saying "having sex". Because evidently it is just so awful, saying that. I digress.)
"Well, why?" he says, not knowing what is about to come.
"Because the penis has to be kind of stiffer than usual in order to fit into the woman's vagina."
Dead silence, arm goes over head in horror, gagging ensues.
Horrified, gagging son: "That is so gross."
Highly entertained, yet serious and down-to-earth me:"Well, that's why eight year olds don't have sex."
Averted-eyes son: "Well, do people have to sleep naked to have sex?" I weigh the cost/benefit ratio of telling the truth here about adults not always waiting to get naked all the way, because of the steamy sex-having passionate moments. No, I think, this is already bad enough. Also, a parenting book would frown on that.
"Well, yes. Because in order to have sex, the man and the woman have to put their private parts right next to each other." He gags more, while kind of snickering. I sympathize. "I totally get that you are grossing out here. It's pretty much the worst idea ever when you're eight."
He giggles,"Yeah." Then it hits him, the thought that will divide his life forever into before he knew and after.
"You've had sex, Mom!"
"Yes, I have. Your dad and I have had sex."
"Oh my god." (snicker, gag, snort, giggle)
"I get it, it's totally the worst, right? I mean, I'm 33, and I still just about hurl when I think of my parents doing it."
"Oh god." (hurl, puke, giggle, snort) "Yeah, this is pretty bad."
"I know." He gags, giggles some more. "You having a heart attack?" I say.
"Kind of."
I then let him know about the code of not telling everyone all about this, because it's better if kids learn it as their parents want them to, not from a little hooligan like him. He looked at me like I was fucked in the head for thinking he would ever revisit this in his mind, much less suffer the extreme embarrassment of talking about it. I make sure to point out that it's not because it's shameful or anything, just, you know. Not for casual chat, is all. But of course, we can talk about it whenever he needs to. *insert look, part horror, part lawn jart*
Then I kissed him goodnight, through the arm and around the gags. And sat down to think a bit, hoping that I did okay.
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