Dipshit

So yesterday I had the pleasure of hanging out with my nephews and sisters. My son was there too, the younger one. Who very nearly suffered a massive head wound when my older sister wildly flung a rock within one inch of his skull. Since it did not hit him it was funny but she decided that maybe her arm was too tired to execute any more precision rock skipping at that point. As evidenced by the near decapitation of my kid.

That is so not the story though. My sisters and the boys left to go to a science museum, a really cool one because its staircase is a double helix, and I just wanted to go home because even though I can choke people just with my legs only, walking around slowly (meandering, I guess) as one does in a museum is one of my more painful activities.

So (my god, is it ever taking me a long time to get to the main event), on my way home I wanted to stop at this healthy crunchy waitstaff-with-dreadlocks place for blueberry pie. It is really good pie, chock full of blueberries. I mean more so than your average pie. Anyway, I was waiting for them to cut it, as it seems like a very frustrating pie to portion, and this elderly lady scooted in front of me, demanding a pie that was not present in the pie....what's that called? Showcase? Whatever. Anyway, she was waiting right in front of me for her pie, and I was waiting for mine.

There was a sample dish of curry chutney on the counter, surrounded by bread cubes which were the vehicle upon which the chutney travels to the sampler's mouth. I was all, "Huh. Chutney." Then I mentally moved on as chutney is of no import to me unless I have an immediate chutney need, which I did not at that time.

But suddenly the chutney became not just important but almost a matter of national security because I saw, seriously it was magnified like a hundred times and also in slow motion because of the horrific nature of the event, a bread cube that was no longer a cube due to the clear arch of adult dentition on one side hovering above the chutney. I saw the bitten cube slowly descend in the old lady's claw, all of my body tense with anticipation, hoping against hope that I would be witnessing the lesser offense of her rotating the dipping implement, exposing only the unbitten side of the bread to the chutney. Inside I felt a silent scream of "NNNNNNOOOOOoooo!!!" but it did not matter because even in slow motion the bread cube eventually met the chutney, tooth arch side first. She really swooped it in there, too, clearly wanting to both capture a lot of chutney and gross it up as much as possible. I had to look away as she aimed it toward her gaping maw.

I instantly snickered, while gagging also. I scanned the area for a comrade-in-grossout. Alas I was alone, but it was seriously like a comedy where I was looking around, stunned and laughing, wondering, "Did anyone see that? Seriously?" No one did. I stifled my laughing because I thought to myself, "Self, laughing alone at a deli counter is weird. Stop it." The counter girl handed me my pie. I'm pretty sure I had a crazed look on my face. I wasn't sure what to do, I mean this woman had basically just raped the communal chutney and I felt like someone should know. But she was also still only one foot away from me.

I went to check out and could no longer contain myself. I totally told on that Typhoid Mary. I told the woman, "Hey, I thought you guys should know that someone just totally DOUBLE DIPPED in the chutney. I saw it and it was so disgusting." She was all, "Oh my god, seriously? That is so gross." Now feeling vindicated, I lost some control of myself and giggled/cackled. "I know, right? Who does that? It was so totally gross." She was all, "Who was it (disgusted look on face)?" And I, triumphant in finally being able to rat the chutney tainter out, "That old lady with the walker (said with more glee than I intended, but seriously I haven't gotten to tell on anyone for probably 25 years)!" The checkout girl made a few more disgusted comments, said she'd tell the deli people, and thanked me for by public service and acumen in catching the offense.

I thought maybe a free brownie would have demonstrated the depth of appreciation but sadly it was not to be. Anyway who knows what might have happened to it, since it was within reach of the bioterrorist. She probably used it to wipe her butt.